Thursday, May 17, 2018

Six Reviews

Here are six locations, some a little outside of Burlington but mostly places in the epicenter of this tragedy of the commons.

All these images are randomly generated, so, like all good things in life like finding out National Treasure 3 isn't coming out for a long time and that person you care about just got married- blame Google.
Petco - South Burlington
Rating: 9.25/10

One of my personal favorite. If you ever make an accident just blame someone else's dog and be a decent person and clean up after yourself. You probably will already feel bad, so you won't feel any worse by using the restroom without buying anything.

Starbucks - Church Street Marketplace
Rating: 6.2/10

If you are not black. Just kidding. Anything for the joke, am I right, right?

Fletcher Free Library - College Street
Rating: 5/10

Great place to check out the Grapes of Wrath and the original Jumanji on Blu-ray but terrible place if you need to use the restroom. You need to give up a form of identification to get the key, (this is 2018, not Pokemon) then ask for your ID back and leave the library knowing the librarian is judging you because you can't actually read. 

Pro tip: Pull the fire alarm when you have the bathroom key (use the bathroom first of course), have your Uber driver ready outside, go to Lowes and make 20 copies of the key and sell them to people on Craigslist. 


McDonald's - Everywhere

Rating: 9/10
There are certain guarantees in life. For example, you will either find this a complete waste of your time (and found this bit was not funny) or you will be somewhat amused and use are going to use important bathroom rankings during your time in Burlington, VT. 

 I believe that you believe that this wasn't a waste of your time. 

Just like I can guarantee there will be old people at McDonald's in the morning. I can guarantee that McDonald's safe space will available with no pressure to buy anything. If you are confronted just say you thought it was Burger King. Have it your way.  

Murder Mart (Champlain Farms) - Main Street

Rating: 10/10 

Sometimes, like being in love from what I learned in the first Matrix, we can't change who we are. Even if you think you are the Neo and she is Trinity - we can't control the $3 gas at Murder Mart, but we can accept that this 24/7 hour gas station and deli has an accessible bathroom at all times of the day.

Protip: You might feel guilty using the bathroom without buying anything - you might even be tempted to buy the $2 Snickers bar just so you don't feel bad. But the Wachowski's released The Matrix 2 and Matrix 3, so don't feel bad. 

Just say that you need to use the bathroom.

For more details yell out, "Ok, Google" then say "Murder Mart Burlington"

*** AS OF 10/19/2018 - Murder Mart's Bathroom is Closed ** 
I'll speak for the both of us - Sorry for the inconvenience  

Best prices for gas at gas stations called Murder Mart

City Market - Downtown

Rating: 4/10
If you've ever needed to grind  almonds for fresh almond butter at 10:56pm or wanted some delicious peanut butter malt balls #684, you've probably ran into the issue of there only being one bathroom at City Market.

Downtown City Market

Pro tip: If you feel guilty about using the bathroom without paying. Go to the front desk and say you forgot your member number. If they ask for your full name. Say you forgot, then say you need to use the bathroom and as community member of the co-op you need to pee. Hey. That membership $ needs to go somewhere, the workers ain't getting a piece of bourgeois cake.

There are two bathrooms here, but one closes at 8pm. Which is the exact time people who need to dispose of their sewing needles in the needle receptacle. 

So, where do people go when they need to use the bathroom? 

I know this might just be a blog just to take up 20 seconds in a standup act, but I hope Burlington can offer public restrooms with accessibility anytime to anyone, especially without assuming everyone is shooting up, using a portable microwave to cook crack, or do something spooky - because some people actually do need to pee in Burlington.

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