Monday, May 20, 2019

I need to recall in Albuquerque

Dear Reader, 

After a long period of existential crisis of if this should have a  .com or be an economical, it was serendipitous that the .com was still active.

JUST like the 2001 blockbuster Serendipity, the four winds brings you a review of the best of the best of where to use the restroom in the Central District of Albuquerque. Wow, nobody got got shot just in between that whole sentence - just kidding don't let Breaking Bad turn you off, it is more of a wholesome Better Call Saul, I mean Darth Maul. 

     If you want to learn about employment if you are ever in the Duke City. 

O'Neil's - 310 Central Ave SE, Albuquerque, NM 87108

Rating: 9/10

O'Neil's is a wonderful place for Tuesday night comedy open mics. If you hangout from 6pm-11pm, it might start in between that time period. This golden goose of a restroom in Nob Hill is easily accessible during your time in Nob Hill; just bring in any glass container that says "O'Neil's" so you are never questioned if you are a patron (and you can get free refills if you tipped the week before)

I need Taco Bell in New Mexico

Albuquerque might have a preconception notion (or who even cares) that it isn't as cool as Santa Fe or who even thinks about you, I mean, it anyways. It has a spacious blue skies and is surrounded by jaded -  you - I mean mountains that surround a life time of sketchy turquoise opportunities to look at those shiny ReMax air balloons.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

2018 - Wrapped it up

As a final trio of reviews, I am going to use commas in inaccurate places, because as one might know the first step is admitting.

Thanks for following through and visiting your now favorite review site of the Queen City (outside of your Trip Advisor and locals at Murder Mart, duh) here are three washrooms that you can use for free, if you ever get asked to leave - say you think you left your wallet/purse/boarding pass in there yesterday and say you'll be right back, works with kids all the times - that's a run on sentence for you.


If you want to hear about the calorie content of eggnog and Ryan Reynolds - maybe watch this.

City Market Onion River Co-op - 207 Flynn Ave

Rating: 9.99/10

I know what you are thinking.

Why am I here? In the grands scheme of things - did it even matter?

Didn't the owner of this domain already review City Market?

Breaking news from my agent - I forgot the name just like Steve Harvey and realized City Market opened up a new store in the arts district of Burlington. Good stuff (see the Speeder and Earl's review). The washrooms are in immaculate shape and each bathroom has a disposable needle container, so you can recycle all those needles after you are done dosing off from all those late night knitting sessions. Pro tip: Lysol everything.

Bonus: This reviewer checked out the immaculate produce section and noticed that the Russet Potatoes were sticker-ed as PLU: 4072  and noticed that in my dream that the PLU: 4072 at Whole Foods was actually a Go Fund Me hyperlink to fund the Wall  #thereisonlyonegreatwall

City Market Produce > Whole Foods. 

Drink - 135 St. Paul St

Rating: 7.9/10  

This reader has personally only been here during comedy open mics and found the washrooms a refreshing twist to when you use the restroom at your house while a Netflix comedy special is on. It's funnier here. If you have time - come check out some of the funniest people in Vermont and these other local shows. You reader should participate. Signups are at 8:30pm.

The holocaust did happen, so you probably shouldn't say it didn't and you probably won't get boo'ed or really loud not that's funny-but-I-am-not-going-to-laugh-groans. Hyphens - what do they double dash in Morse code? Am I right, am I right? (Crowd booos)

Vermont Comedy Shows

Comedy open mics times at Drink

Tuesday: 9pm - whenever
Thursday (Downstairs): 9pm - whenever

Burlington International Airport  (South Burlington) 1200 Airport Dr

Rating: 10/10
Have you ever wanted to stop that special someone from leaving your life? 

Did you ever need a personal place to try to figure things out? (They aren't coming back) 

Well, after they leave on the plane and you are stuck in South Burlington waiting on that Uber and want to use a free restroom, no questions asked, you are in luck!

Thursday, November 15, 2018

November 2018 - Week before Black Friday Reviews

Dear reader,

Have you ever wondered what does love means?

Have you ever wondered what Pokemon trainers, UVM students, and artists have in common?

I am not a biologist but I can let you in on a little secret - they all need break to relieve themselves before a public breakdown and a safe place to hit their strawberry gingerbread flavored Juul.

 (If you want to don't want to hear about ReMax - here's your chance)

These are 3 places to use the restroom for free and that all have free WiFi - if you guilt trip people into giving you the code.

University of Vermont - Dudley H. Davis Center - 590 Main St

Rating: 9.9/10

This is honestly a great place to ReMax, I mean relax (see hours below) even if you aren't a university student.

I don't know why this service isn't used more, why hang out on Church Street when it is cold AF? (Or at the Fletcher Free Library - where granola ass patrons complain on you for warming up and let the library staff know and have them call the cops, because rounding up for change in real life isn't the same - when you aren't asked ). When you can warm up and ask students at the Davis Center for money.

Just call it a social experiment if you are ever told to stop.  You are always a PhD candidate if you become comfortable with lying to yourself, plus. BMI and GPA are only six letters from an alphabet, so you are technically accepted into University of Vermont (UVM).

This beautiful building does have multiple restrooms, couches, couches, couches - which one do I pick, a cafe, a bookstore, and free WiFi  (you don't need to be a student) and if you feel bad unlike me, just go to Goodwill and get a UVM t-shirt or dress up as a cop, just so people know you belong.

Monday:7:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.
Tuesday :7:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.
Wednesday: 7:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.
Thursday: 7:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.
Friday : 7:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m. 
Saturday:  8:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m (Bonus: 10am-2pm - Burlington Farmers Market inside: Shout out to Flatlander Farm - we gon eat this year)
Sunday: 10:00 a.m. - 12:00 a.m.

 Speeder and Earls - 421 Pine Street

Rating:  9/10

Wifi Code: squirrels7773492

If you don't know what day it is two days after Thanksgiving - it is now called Small Business Saturday (Thanks for trade marking that American Express - because you'll never be Mastercard or VISA - you look desperate when you try to hard) put that down on your birth certificate and smoke it! Please support this local coffee shop. I don't want want help, I mean Yelp, but this is a great place to get your shit together when you first move to Burlington.

Speeder and Earl's has excellent coffee (I personally go there for the free milk) for artists, students, and you reader. Back to the topic at hand, the restroom is accessible but right next to where you order. This one you'll feel a little more guilty, if you aren't buying anything. If you feel really bad, like me, just bring your own thermos or say you lost it and tell everyone the only liquid you ever put in personal cups are their coffee- just so it is awkward for everyone.

E = mc^2


Pallet Town - マサラタウン (Masara Taun)

 Rating:  7/10

Have you ever wondered what it is like to live in a world of Pokemon? Well, you are in luck. If you think about it, we are all living in Pokémon - from exploring with your dog, falling in love with special berries, or fishing with friends - got to catch em all. Thanks mom. WHAAT??

Friday, October 12, 2018

I need WiFi In Burlington

 Hive Mic  IV 2018 - Burlington, VT - ReMax Real Estate
- I would like to thank Tara Goreau  -
And past me for not buying this .com domain - NOT

Hello kind reader(s),

I know what you are thinking:

Why am I here?

Did the person who told you to go to this site actually expect you do go to blog?

Is this some some type of ploy to watch his standup videos?

Why are these places in Burlington, not even the best free places to use the restroom?

Where are the honey buckets (portable toilets)?

And most importantly, where is the entry about free places to use the restroom and use the WiFi at the same time?

Well, I know someone is wasting their time to being here - but creativity is the residue of time wasted and I think Einstein said that, but who even looks up stuff any more - so you reader (s) are on a journey through space and time and place to get free WiFi and washrooms to use.

Washroom: they say that in Canada - when they ask if you need to relieve yourself as they questionably search through your car and baggage. Remember you should always know the contact information of the local law office (802-318-8076) and you can't say any of that you can't search my car shit at the border. Keep it on a need to know Brad Pitt/ Angelina Jolie rapport. Even if you are doing everything right in life, anyone can sprinkle a little crack in your car.

Vermont Rest Areas 

 Rating: 10/10

Have you ever needed to use the restroom and been in a place where you don't have unlimited data while driving?

Have you ever had the urge to listen to that free Post Malone song or watch the new Lady Gaga/Bradley Cooper trailer while switching lanes?

Well, you are in luck! Vermont's roads are a great place to pull over and use the restroom, get free coffee (suggested donations), and use free wifi:

24 hour access. Even if it says you can't sleep over night, just keep moving your car every hour. 
"Tired driving can be as dangerous as drunk driving. Use a Vermont Rest Area and enjoy a safe trip" - Spokesperson,

Remember reader: Drive too high - get a DUI.  Drive too tired - get a flat tire. Drive a Toyota - sound like Yoda.  Tell a cop a drunk rhyme - do some time.

Lowes (any city in Vermont) 
Rating: 8/10

You might be thinking what if I ever need buy a sander at a home improvement store, but don't have WiFi to look up reviews at the store's website and compare it to Amazon or Home Depot (shout out)- where people like me have the privilege to have WiFi to write dead serious and accurate reviews.

Well, you are in luck. Sorry mom and pop shops (cough cough - Ace Hardware - get your shit together) - Lowes has you covered - free Wifi, water, restrooms, and you can stare at those $5,000 Samsung refrigerators and wonder if she is ever coming back?

Count me in!

The majority of Lowes are open from 6am-10pm. So, if you need free WiFi spend one hour in each isle and say you are a contractor who is making plans to build and sand a big ass deck and can't remember if your deck deck is made of cedar or pine.

Wednesday, July 11, 2018

The 24/7 Entry

 Hello. Give it up for yourselves to support local non-profit people who ask you reader to go to his website. Nothing like a little self promotion to go with those salty fries.

Just like legendary Yelpers, I feel we all have a topic we are engrossed; i.e. the old stereotype that Asians love Olive Garden; and can't use semicolons. ; ; ;

Well, this blogger is passionate about finding restrooms that are open 24/7 - whether it be 4:20pm or 4:20am - we all need to pee during the 86,400 seconds per day.

So, don't stress it. (Paraphrasing a self-help book). Think of your day as a big ol pot of money - you have $86,400 and someone took and fucked up your $1,800 - you would still have $84,600 left.

Why stress over $1,800 ( the 30 minutes of bad stuff that might have happened today) - YOU took this time to read about all the places to use the washroom in Burlington and I believe, you believe, you are having a good time.

McDonald's - Williston Rd
 Rating: 9.5/10

I know what you dedicated readers are already thinking? Didn't this Anthony Bourdain (RIP) of bathroom reviewers already cover McDonald's?

You are right, dear readers. But this gem in South Burlington - DOESN'T HAVE A DRIVE THRU, but the dining area is open 24/7.

I have never seen this before. Burger King and Starbucks public shares on NASDAQ would shudder at this business model.

 So, you know what that means.

You can walk in and out and use the restroom with no pressure 24/7. Though, here is automated ordering (standup computers so you can feel like your boss - who obviously wants to sit at work, but doesn't) and they bring good to your table and it is awkward AF, when you want to exercise your free will or volition - if you are into big condescending words (cough, cough) and pick up your own order, but is no hard rock, it's a gem.

Just like you reader.

Market 32 (Formerly Price Chopper)
Shelburne Road 

 Rating: 10/10

Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got
I'm still, I'm still Price Chopper from the block
Used to have a little, now I have a lot
No matter where I go, I know where I came  - Jennifer Lopez

When I first moved to Vermont, I didn't even know Price Chopper existed. Just like there are a billion people and that one person might be out there for you or that one Drake or Phish song is waiting for you - I think I found the one. Price Chopper. And boy, did you change. You can't just change your name from Price Chopper to Market 32 right when I met you.

You can't just change from K-Mart to Whole Foods and move on from basic onto someone who adds subsidence to your quality of life and potential to be a better human. Looking at you person who won't read this.

Just being salty - Kanye West.

Regardless of your emotionally capacity, this blogger feels Market 32 (Formerly Price Chopper) still deserves 10/10 on the 24/7 bathroom availability category in Burlington, Vermont.

Bonus: Free WiFi rating - bumps it up to a Windows 10.1/10.

If you haven't heard enough about unlimited data in Vermont..

And if you haven't heard enough about Space Force...

Sunday, June 17, 2018

June Update

Like the two new Kanye West albums released in the past month, I had the inspiration to write two new gems provided by the City of Burlington.

Also, I know some of these reviews might not be applicable after business hours but doors are constructed shapes that can be broken. Like 4 out of 5 dentist recommends Crest toothpaste, I recommend finding a blind spot from the security cameras and going about your business. It is all going to compost at some point and plus, we are all atoms.

I summarized this blog in 45 seconds out of this 8 minute standup, so if you want to watch you what you have already read, feel free to watch the video - this one is not great. All the proceeds go back to Google.

Burlington City Hall - Church Street

 Rating: 8.5/10

Regardless of your political affiliation, I think you and the United Nations and this blogger can agree we need to all use the bathroom in Burlington. If you want to bump into the Mayor or need a place to find out where to post bail for your friend who got angry about these rankings - this is the place for you. On the lower floor - you can register to vote and use the bathroom for free. Do you civic duty.

Waterfront Public Bathroom
 Rating: 9.25/10

Of course, a knowledge thirsty reader who has read this far has been waiting for this review. Like the 2nd Avatar. Pokemon Go. If you want to spend the next 8 minutes watching this video, and learning about Pokemon Go for 30 seconds, feel free to watch this standup bit.

If you have unlimited data and are catching Pokemon with that special someone along the bike path and need to use the restroom - the City of Burlington Parks and Recreation has some excellent options. Remember stealing the toilet paper and returning it to Walmart and saying you lost the receipt is ALWAYS an option. 

Crazy, that medulla oblongata - Kanye West song

Monday, May 28, 2018

Welcome to I need to pee in Burlington.

Hello dear reader,

Give it up for Drink - on St. Paul in Burlington.
Give it up for people performing Tuesdays and Thursdays (Downstairs) at 9pm.
Give it up  for yourself for putting in the energy to visit this blog.

You might just think this blog as a desperate attempt to make you laugh.

You would be right!

And you might think how long did he spend on making this blog and how accurate it is?

Too much and guess you'll have to find out.

Monday, May 21, 2018

Hot Spots

Did you know by switching to Geico, 15 minutes could save you 15% or more on car insurance?

Did you know by visiting this semi-secret blog no large and cooperative businesses will feel the same wrath as Yelp, Facebook, and Google reviews.

Did you know that there are great spots, mediocre spots, and disappointing spots to use the restroom in the Coat Factory?  

Using the non-partisan highly accurate rating system - 6.9 being National Treasure and 6.5 being National Treasure: Book of Secrets - local public restrooms will be ranked on their availability.

It cost $35,000,000 to produce National Treasure but for you reader, I will let you in on the secrets of where you are in Burlington, Vermont.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Six Reviews

Here are six locations, some a little outside of Burlington but mostly places in the epicenter of this tragedy of the commons.

All these images are randomly generated, so, like all good things in life like finding out National Treasure 3 isn't coming out for a long time and that person you care about just got married- blame Google.
Petco - South Burlington
Rating: 9.25/10

One of my personal favorite. If you ever make an accident just blame someone else's dog and be a decent person and clean up after yourself. You probably will already feel bad, so you won't feel any worse by using the restroom without buying anything.

Starbucks - Church Street Marketplace
Rating: 6.2/10

If you are not black. Just kidding. Anything for the joke, am I right, right?

Fletcher Free Library - College Street
Rating: 5/10

Great place to check out the Grapes of Wrath and the original Jumanji on Blu-ray but terrible place if you need to use the restroom. You need to give up a form of identification to get the key, (this is 2018, not Pokemon) then ask for your ID back and leave the library knowing the librarian is judging you because you can't actually read. 

Pro tip: Pull the fire alarm when you have the bathroom key (use the bathroom first of course), have your Uber driver ready outside, go to Lowes and make 20 copies of the key and sell them to people on Craigslist. 


McDonald's - Everywhere

Rating: 9/10
There are certain guarantees in life. For example, you will either find this a complete waste of your time (and found this bit was not funny) or you will be somewhat amused and use are going to use important bathroom rankings during your time in Burlington, VT. 

 I believe that you believe that this wasn't a waste of your time. 

Just like I can guarantee there will be old people at McDonald's in the morning. I can guarantee that McDonald's safe space will available with no pressure to buy anything. If you are confronted just say you thought it was Burger King. Have it your way.  

Murder Mart (Champlain Farms) - Main Street

Rating: 10/10 

Sometimes, like being in love from what I learned in the first Matrix, we can't change who we are. Even if you think you are the Neo and she is Trinity - we can't control the $3 gas at Murder Mart, but we can accept that this 24/7 hour gas station and deli has an accessible bathroom at all times of the day.

Protip: You might feel guilty using the bathroom without buying anything - you might even be tempted to buy the $2 Snickers bar just so you don't feel bad. But the Wachowski's released The Matrix 2 and Matrix 3, so don't feel bad. 

Just say that you need to use the bathroom.

For more details yell out, "Ok, Google" then say "Murder Mart Burlington"

*** AS OF 10/19/2018 - Murder Mart's Bathroom is Closed ** 
I'll speak for the both of us - Sorry for the inconvenience  

Best prices for gas at gas stations called Murder Mart

City Market - Downtown

Rating: 4/10
If you've ever needed to grind  almonds for fresh almond butter at 10:56pm or wanted some delicious peanut butter malt balls #684, you've probably ran into the issue of there only being one bathroom at City Market.

Downtown City Market

Pro tip: If you feel guilty about using the bathroom without paying. Go to the front desk and say you forgot your member number. If they ask for your full name. Say you forgot, then say you need to use the bathroom and as community member of the co-op you need to pee. Hey. That membership $ needs to go somewhere, the workers ain't getting a piece of bourgeois cake.

There are two bathrooms here, but one closes at 8pm. Which is the exact time people who need to dispose of their sewing needles in the needle receptacle. 

So, where do people go when they need to use the bathroom? 

I know this might just be a blog just to take up 20 seconds in a standup act, but I hope Burlington can offer public restrooms with accessibility anytime to anyone, especially without assuming everyone is shooting up, using a portable microwave to cook crack, or do something spooky - because some people actually do need to pee in Burlington.

I need to recall in Albuquerque

Dear Reader,  After a long period of existential crisis of if this should have a  .com or be an economical, it was serendi...